i feel a change ... i hate every beautiful day. ive started smoking again. ...kinda started thinking about everything again. - - - my life about 2 years ago revolved around drugs, and stupid sh!t like that. the reason i stopped that stuff was because one night i was taking some 'nose candy' and it scared me, i passed out. i woke up not where i passed out, but at this girls house, and i didnt remember anything before opening my eyes. now the recent situations that have popped up caused me to start thinking about that stuff again, and well, i miss it. yet i still remember bright as day that morning/night whatever ...and i know that it is probably not the best thing for me ...but hey what do i have to lose? seems like the only person i care wants to start smoking again - after i got she to stop . and with that day brought me really close to a 'pure happiness' but the past 3 weeks thats all she's talked about. ive let her know that she should do that makes her happy ... not to worry on what i think-because i dont want to control her, in some sense. So, ive made the decision easy - i start smoking again, she'll smoke not having to worry about hurting me, and me being sad. then perhaps i can go back to my addiction and live happily ever after for 2-3 years. hmm, if ive gotten the right htlv then it wont matter when i die i guess, right?